Deadpool:Mystery Island
by bburton1
Summary: Merc with the mouth Wade Wilson finds himself stranded on a beach with amnesia. He finds a factory and decided to investigate. All the Deadpool action and fun. How we he escape whats on the island? Read and find out.
Hey there! I'm the merc with the mouth, your friendly neighborhood Deadpool. Little background on all of those who don't know who I am. Way back when I had a bit of cancer and was terminal and I was recruited for some 'weapon-X' program. Basically some douchewad with a degree gave me ol' wolfies healing factor and now I am unkillable. Go ahead try it! It would be the most action I've gotten in weeks. Now I just go around saving the day and having a blast doing it. Now it's time for my big story, so strap in grab a bottle of lotion and just do what feels right.

I begin my tale with serious mindf**k. I woke up on a beach with no idea how I got there. Like seriously WTF who got me here, but future reference the customer serviced here blew. I recommend a nice motel 6, a cheap bottle of jack, and a dime store hooker. Also note to the reader sand and spandex don't mix no matter how great it makes your ass look. Anyway, I'm on this beach with no coconut filled with a fruity drink in sight.

"MotherFu**er," I yelled, "Where are my weapons?"

All I had on my where my trusty swords and a lousy M9, with ONE clip. One mother loving clip. Guess if anyone needs a prescription of lead they will have to share. Well I might as well enjoy this unexpected getaway. I pranced into the tropical jungle singing some classic Brittney Spears. After about an hour of aimlessly prancing into the jungle I found a factory! A G damn factory here on what unfortunately is not Whore Island. Is it so hard to ask for some sexy natives? My childlike curiosity got the best of me and I decided to make an application for the new world's best detective. Wait, that's Batboy and he's DC. Who is Marvels detective? Do we have one? Introducing Detective Deadpool, the world's sexiest, badassiest investigator. The factory was pretty nonchalant except for you know being in the middle of a jungle on not Whore Island.

Most heroes would say be sneaky but why do that when the front door is so much easier. So I strolled in knowing my charm would bail me out of any jams. I walk through the front door strutting in like a self-entitled pimp. Before I know it there are 5 guards pointing Soviet AK-47s at me.

"Hey there boys! I was just looking for the ladies room."

BAM BAM BAM! The guards shot at me! Good thing they are crappy shots. I dove over to a nearby barrel guns blazing. Wait. I only had one clip. Time to use my babies. In an epic case of gymnastic showmanship I flipped over the barrel swords drawn. 4 guards 10 seconds. I'm still a bit groggy from my beach wakeup. First guard got his pretty little hand cut off. I hope for his sake he's a lefty otherwise he's going to have some trouble with his own relations. That thought in mind I put him out of his misery with some trusty steel to the throat. Grabbing guard two I spun him around and used him as a human shield. I suppose these guys weren't great poker buddies because there was no hesitation in busting a cap in my friend here. I'll morn him later. Throwing my unnamed associate at his former fellow employees throwing them off balance. Guards three and four were super easy each got a sword through the chest. I guess since I'm a detective I should ask questions, so I kept guard five alive.

"Hello there big guy. I have a few questions I'd like you to answer. If you don't you can say goodbye to your two closest friends," I said as I pulled out the M9 and aimed it at this poor guys short and curlies. "First off where am I? Secondly why are you shooting at me? The least you can do is give me a tour, pour a drink, or even try to pretend whatever your doing isn't a bad thing."

Before I could get any kind of response more guards came running across the catwalk, guns drawn yelling at me. As I scanned the crowd of arms guard one man stood out. He was a smug looking bastard. Picture a preppy rich boy with blond hair who really just wants to be loved by his workaholic daddy. That is the spitting image of this sack of douchebaggery that just appeared to damage my eye sockets.

"You're such a pretty boy!"

"Mr. Wilson, so nice to see you," said the douchebag with a stereotypical English accent. Seriously what is it with English guys being bad guys? Is it the parenting? Do English parents just make evil kids?

"Well, I'm glad that you know me, but it's so rude not to introduce yourself. Especially with all this foreplay. You really know how to get a girl going."

"Always so quick for a quip."

"They don't call me the merc with the mouth for nothing sweet cheeks."

"I'd really love to stay and chat, but I have some work to do here. So, if you'll excuse me I will be going."

"I really think we should get a drink, tell me what exactly is going on here."

"I'll pass Mr. Wilson."

David Beckham walked away after that. No goodbye, no phone number, no name. So here I was about 100 guards with guns and I have 8 bullets and swords.

"Sigh."

Quickly, I sheathed by swords and darted for the door. The guards began shooting. Bullets whizzed by my head.

"Son of a Bitch!"

A lucky shot from one of the lackeys managed to make it into my left butt cheek. I fired a shot back. I managed to make it out of the door and back into the jungle. The douchebags guards following close behind. Unfortunately I can't kill all of these scrambling bastards so option 2, retreat. After a few minutes of running into the dense jungle I jumped up a tree and hid. I watched and waited for the guards to pass and after the coast was clear I made it back to the factory. Where is Spiderman when you need him? I have a factory wall to scale and no super spidey power. Whatever I can do this without that goody goody. I managed to find an access ladder to the roof and made my way up. I crouched over and did my best James Bond impersonation and snuck up to the windows. I peered down through the crack into what looked like a lab. Nerds in white coats mixing some colored stuff. I don't know what to tell you I just kill people. I dropped down from the roof undetected. I tailed one of the nerd patrol being careful to not be seen.

After trailing poindexter for a while I stumbled upon a room full of mutants. No one you know just guys and gals from off the street. They all were scared when I stepped in, thinking that I was one of the scientists. After some talking and a few of them recognizing me from my new blockbuster – with Ryan Reynolds, go see it he does me some justice – they told me what was going on. Apparently the One Direction wannabe is working on an anti-mutant weapon. How original right? Feels like we are back in that crappy X-Men: Last Stand movie, or the genius college student writing this wasn't too original. I'll leave that up to you to choose.

I dug down deep into my fleshy insides and decided to help because that bag of dicks shot at me. Plus I guess it's the right thing to do. I cut the locks to the chains holding them in. I'd talk about how I heroically rescued the captives but that's not why you're here. You want some ass-kicking, smart-ass action. So fast forward to me leaving the hostages in a super secure secret location. Shhh it's a secret.

I went out to sabotage the factory. I didn't really have explosives but I'm crafty and this is a lab factory. I made some factory-made bombs and placed them throughout the factory. Some serious spy crap. Eventually, I ran into the stereotypical bad guy.

" ."

"Oh, hey there. Uhhh these aren't bombs."

"I was hoping that we could avoid this mess. I have a set of clients that will pay for the weapon we are developing here. We just needed a way to stop your abilities."

"Okay, well then why was I on the beach?"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Oh no guys, a plot hole. Moving on its about to get good here.

"The way I see this mister baddy is there is one of you and 8 of my little friends here."

As I said those super badass words still unnamed bad guy took of the fashionable yet questionable jacket.

"Do you wanna dance? No one puts baby in the corner." I said drawing my swords. "So, I know this is a bad time but I don't like getting intimate without knowing someone's name."

"I suppose I can give you that. My name is Sebastian."

"Wow, seriously?! How stereotypical can you be? God I am so scared of Sebastian."

Sebastian lunged forward and swung. Clipping me in the jaw.

"Ow that hurt."

Sebastian jumped back and broke the glass to a fire axe. I pulled up my swords. He leaped forward again swinging at my head. I ducked and swung at his chest. He was quick and dodged. He gave a quick flurry of swings. He was good. We were still slashing and blocking when I asked, "How do you plan to win? Pain is a turn on for me sweetie."

"You aren't the only special one here, ."

He grabbed one of my swords by the blade and crushed it.

"But why…no. Tasha. She was my favorite you British bastard!"

I dropped Tasha and spun swinging with my other sword as I swiped I pulled my gun. King George caught the sword with the axe handle and managed to grab my hand. I fired. The bullet landed between his legs. We both looked down then back up to each other. I blew a kiss and gave a quick head-butt. He was thrown off balance and stumbled back. I threw my sword at him and he swatted it away. While his attention was off me I fired twice hitting his knees and he fell to the ground.

"Someone else will just come back and finish this."

"Yeah. I don't really care." With that I shot him in the head. "Damn I had a witty remark. Uhh don't lose your head? No, dammit!"

A loud boom went through the factory. The first little bomb had gone off. I better hurry. I ran back to the secret hiding spot to get the others and we ran out the building. Luckily the guards were too busy running from my little gifts to care. I guess their boss getting shot drops worker morale. We ran through the jungle to the beach. We were safe. So yay I saved the day. There's a fanfiction story. That's when one of the others looked at me and asked, "Now what?"

I looked back and sat in the sand, "Fuck me."


End file.
